Since the Dawn of Man, humanity has fought a never-ending battle against skidmarks and rashes. The weapons of combat ranged from water, rocks, and leaves, to whatever slow, furry animal was sitting too close to your hole in the ground.
Finally, Chinese inventors in the 6thcentury decided that those tools of butt-wiping were too complicated, too messy, and just too rough. They found a new way, a way that has evolved for over a thousand years but still goes by the same name: toilet paper.
On August 26th, we celebrate this marvel of hygienic engineering with National Toilet Paper Day! How, exactly, can we celebrate? Well, besides the obvious, which involves a lot of coffee, burritos, and warm milk, there are other ways to honor that great white roll, and make this random national holiday as memorable as Christmas!
Decorate Your Home
You can even TP a teepee!
Sure, TPing a house can be classified as petty vandalism, but not when you do it yourself! Throw a couple of rolls up into the trees and bushes on your front lawn. Wrap your stairway banisters. Hang streams of toilet paper from the chandelier. Tape a load of those cardboard center rolls together and set it up in your living room, complete with toilet paper draper and white lights. It’s a holiday!
Forgo Band-Aids
“Gauze? That’s for fancy-folk! TP will do us real Americans just fine”
Some say the manly way to fix up a bleeding injury is to just wrap it in duct-tape. Sure, that will stop blood from leaking all over the floor, but what about when you have to rip it off? The cut just opens up again. Instead, wrap your bloody hole or stump with toilet paper. It’s softer, more comfortable, easier to manage, and, unlike duct-tape, is stockpiled in every home and business.
Gift-Wrap
As with most important holidays, gifts must be exchanged, and National Toilet Paper Day should be no different. What the gift is really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we celebrate the season with gift-wrapping. Man has wrapped emergency presents (when we wrap presents) with almost every paper product known. Last minute birthday? Grab the newspaper and some tape. Forgot to wrap a wedding gift? Who’s got a paper bag and some Saran wrap? National Toilet Paper Day’s holiday wrapping paper is just too obvious to mention. Just make sure to use fresh toilet paper.
Did You Get the Memo?
The input is not dissimilar to the finished product
The holiday season for anal hygiene has its place in the office as well. Toilet paper is just paper, after all. Why not send out physical memos on toilet paper? Better yet (if you’re management, anyway), scribble out those memos from the lavatory. Draft your expense reports on toilet paper. Bathrooms in Las Vegas have phones right next to the toilet, so taking conference calls in the bathroom while preparing to celebrate National Toilet Paper Day the old fashioned way is not out of the question.
Photo by Fox
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