A. To lift his spirits
Q. Why didn’t the melons get married?
A. Because they cantalope.
Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A. Because he was out-standing in his field
Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An im-pasta
Q. Why can’t you play cards in the African Savanna?
A. Because there are a lot of cheetahs.
Q. What did the buffalo say to his son after he dropped him off at school?
Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping at preschool?
A. He woke up.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Q. Did you hear about the crab that went to the disco?
A. He pulled a mussel.
Q. What did the brother cell say to the sister cell after he bumped his toe?
A. Ow, mitosis!
Q. Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
A. It was intense.
A. So I pushed her over.
Q: What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
A: Stop touching my buns!
Q: What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
A: A “hollow-weenie!”
Q: What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?
A: A hot, diggety dog.
Q: What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?
Doctors Office: A guy walks into the doctor’s office. A hot dog in one of his ears, a pretzel in the other ear, and a nacho chip in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
The Warner Brothers movie “Elf” is a modern-day holiday classic filled with humor and heart.
Take the experience one step further by engaging in a snowball fight via the computer. Click here to enjoy…. just don’t hit Santa! (You’ll be instantly added to the “Naughty” list if you do!)
Have fun playing!
Since the Dawn of Man, humanity has fought a never-ending battle against skidmarks and rashes. The weapons of combat ranged from water, rocks, and leaves, to whatever slow, furry animal was sitting too close to your hole in the ground.
Finally, Chinese inventors in the 6thcentury decided that those tools of butt-wiping were too complicated, too messy, and just too rough. They found a new way, a way that has evolved for over a thousand years but still goes by the same name: toilet paper.
On August 26th, we celebrate this marvel of hygienic engineering with National Toilet Paper Day! How, exactly, can we celebrate? Well, besides the obvious, which involves a lot of coffee, burritos, and warm milk, there are other ways to honor that great white roll, and make this random national holiday as memorable as Christmas!
Decorate Your Home
You can even TP a teepee!
Sure, TPing a house can be classified as petty vandalism, but not when you do it yourself! Throw a couple of rolls up into the trees and bushes on your front lawn. Wrap your stairway banisters. Hang streams of toilet paper from the chandelier. Tape a load of those cardboard center rolls together and set it up in your living room, complete with toilet paper draper and white lights. It’s a holiday!
“Gauze? That’s for fancy-folk! TP will do us real Americans just fine”
Some say the manly way to fix up a bleeding injury is to just wrap it in duct-tape. Sure, that will stop blood from leaking all over the floor, but what about when you have to rip it off? The cut just opens up again. Instead, wrap your bloody hole or stump with toilet paper. It’s softer, more comfortable, easier to manage, and, unlike duct-tape, is stockpiled in every home and business.
As with most important holidays, gifts must be exchanged, and National Toilet Paper Day should be no different. What the gift is really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we celebrate the season with gift-wrapping. Man has wrapped emergency presents (when we wrap presents) with almost every paper product known. Last minute birthday? Grab the newspaper and some tape. Forgot to wrap a wedding gift? Who’s got a paper bag and some Saran wrap? National Toilet Paper Day’s holiday wrapping paper is just too obvious to mention. Just make sure to use fresh toilet paper.
Did You Get the Memo?
The input is not dissimilar to the finished product
The holiday season for anal hygiene has its place in the office as well. Toilet paper is just paper, after all. Why not send out physical memos on toilet paper? Better yet (if you’re management, anyway), scribble out those memos from the lavatory. Draft your expense reports on toilet paper. Bathrooms in Las Vegas have phones right next to the toilet, so taking conference calls in the bathroom while preparing to celebrate National Toilet Paper Day the old fashioned way is not out of the question.
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Comedian Bill Cosby gives his observations on family life.
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.