National Toilet Paper Day 2014

by Patrick Emmel

Since the Dawn of Man, humanity has fought a never-ending battle against skidmarks and rashes.  The weapons of combat ranged from water, rocks, and leaves, to whatever slow, furry animal was sitting too close to your hole in the ground.

Finally, Chinese inventors in the 6^thcentury decided that those tools of butt-wiping were too complicated, too messy, and just too rough. They found a new way, a way that has evolved for over a thousand years but still goes by the same name: toilet paper.

On August 26th, we celebrate this marvel of hygienic engineering with National Toilet Paper Day! How, exactly, can we celebrate? Well, besides the obvious, which involves a lot of coffee, burritos, and warm milk, there are other ways to honor that great white roll, and make this random national holiday as memorable as Christmas!

Decorate Your Home

You can even TP a teepee!

Sure, TPing a house can be classified as petty vandalism, but not when you do it yourself! Throw a couple of rolls up into the trees and bushes on your front lawn. Wrap your stairway banisters. Hang streams of toilet paper from the chandelier. Tape a load of those cardboard center rolls together and set it up in your living room, complete with toilet paper draper and white lights. It’s a holiday!

Forgo Band-Aids

“Gauze? That’s for fancy-folk! TP will do us real Americans just fine”

Some say the manly way to fix up a bleeding injury is to just wrap it in duct-tape. Sure, that will stop blood from leaking all over the floor, but what about when you have to rip it off? The cut just opens up again. Instead, wrap your bloody hole or stump with toilet paper. It’s softer, more comfortable, easier to manage, and, unlike duct-tape, is stockpiled in every home and business.

Gift-Wrap

As with most important holidays, gifts must be exchanged, and National Toilet Paper Day should be no different. What the gift is really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we celebrate the season with gift-wrapping. Man has wrapped emergency presents (when we wrap presents) with almost every paper product known. Last minute birthday? Grab the newspaper and some tape. Forgot to wrap a wedding gift? Who’s got a paper bag and some Saran wrap? National Toilet Paper Day’s holiday wrapping paper is just too obvious to mention. Just make sure to use fresh toilet paper.

Did You Get the Memo?

The input is not dissimilar to the finished product

The holiday season for anal hygiene has its place in the office as well. Toilet paper is just paper, after all. Why not send out physical memos on toilet paper? Better yet (if you’re management, anyway), scribble out those memos from the lavatory. Draft your expense reports on toilet paper. Bathrooms in Las Vegas have phones right next to the toilet, so taking conference calls in the bathroom while preparing to celebrate National Toilet Paper Day the old fashioned way is not out of the question.

Photo by Fox

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A Friday the 13th Ride in the New Mercedes

The £500,000 SLR Stirling Moss (Photo by The Sun)

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

The Day After….

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Some Romantic Evening

What’s Playing

Movies to Check out for Valentine’s Day… or whenever you’re Bored

On a cold night, snuggle under the covers and enjoy. And, you could even watch a movie too!

Insomnia has been labelled as a negative.  However, it has introduced me to some films I would’ve otherwise never seen.  Sure, some have had me shaking my head with frustration screaming “I’ll Never Get these Two Hours Back!”    Yet others made me feel half-way justified for denying much-needed rest.

Now this is not your average list filled with classics we all know and love like Gone with the Wind, any Jane Austen-inspired film, the over-rated Titantic, the  3 romantic comedies starring  Doris Day and Rock Hudson and the weepy An Affair to Remember, along with its remakes including the lazily written Sleepless in Seattle.
No, this litany of films is a bit different.

Placed in no particular order, here is the sampling:

In the Romantic-Comedy Category:

1.  The Decoy Bride   After the regeneration of Dr. Who,  David Tennant went on to star in this little gem alongside Kelly MacDonald and Alice Eve.

The charming David Tennant

Tennant plays a writer joining his actress fiancée (Alice Eve) to a remote Scottish location which is featured in his latest book.  Surprisingly the writer knows very little about the place which the locals are only too “helpful” to point out.  Nevertheless, this is where the bride wants to finally tie the knot.  In order to hide from the paparazzi, village resident Kelly MacDonald  is hired as a decoy.  Comedy ensues.

2. Jane Eyre   Keeping with a Dr. Who theme, this movie/BBC mini-series starring “Lord President” Timothy Dalton is one to watch.

Timothy Dalton as Bond, James Bond.

Maybe I’m a sucker for James Bond but Dalton’s portrayal of Mr. Rochester made this remake one of my favorites.  He is proud man yet shows signs of vulnerability.  Great work.

3. The MatchMaker is a delightful film starring Janeane Garofalo. In this film the cynical Garofalo shows a softer side with wonderful results.

Buddy Movies:

1.  Hot Fuzz  The trio that brought you Shaun of the Dead and Spaced with Jessica Hynes  reunite for this action-packed comedy.  Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright  give you plenty of action, humor and heart in this love story to Hollywood “cop movies.”  Timothy Dalton is delicious as one of the suspects.

2.  Muriel’s Wedding  Before she was a movie mom or the United States of Tara, Toni Collette played the ABBA loving wedding-obsessed girl.  Regardless of what she does, you are rooting for her.

A Different Kind of Love:

3. Children of the Revolution  This is a comedy about a woman in love with Stalin (yep, Joseph Stalin).  Really, it is a comedy… starring Judy Davis and Sam Neill, who worked together previously in the much lauded film, My Brilliant Career.  Actress Rachel Griffiths, who is featured in Muriel’s Wedding, co-stars.

Queeny and the Mad Hatter: Coincidence?

4. Suck   Forget the Twilight series.  Writer/Director/Actor Rob Stefaniuk offers us a vampire love story starring Jessica Paré and Queeny the vampire. It’s more about the lust of a band wanting to make it big in the music business with a bit of blood mixed in.  It’s a bit quirky and becomes more entertaining (and gory) as it moves along.

Plus, this film makes one wonder… did Johnny Depp borrow Quenny’s look for his Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter? Who is this Rob Stafaniuck guy and how does he know all this people?
Who knows?  Who cares?  It’s just fun to count the various celeb cameos… and see poor Hugo suffer his plight as a modern-day Renfield.

5. The Royal Tenenbaums   This Wes Anderson directed movie features a quirky family which produced three child prodigies.  The children, now adults, come back home as a result of tragic news.  As in Anderson’s films, relationships are the heart of the matter.

Is this your Glass Slipper?

6. Dogfight   Set in 1963, a young man (River Phoenix) and his buddies are celebrating their last night in the States before being shipped off to fight in Vietnam.  The viewers join Phoenix from the moment he meets the Lili Taylor character, a “girl with a great personality” until he ships off.  Stay with this one.  It is well worth it.

Rachel Griffiths and Toni Collette star in Muriel’s Wedding.

7. Mirror Has Two Faces  Babs does it again.  In her Oscar winning performance as the real-life comedienne/Ziegfeld Follies girl Fanny Brice in Funny Girl, Ms. Streisand, as with Brice, got the guy with her charms and “nontraditional” good looks.
But in the end Fanny Brice dumped her gambling husband so maybe getting the guy wasn’t so great after all?

Real life is nothing like the movies.

To get a more varied and professional view, read the entertaining and educational book 10 Bad Dates with DeNiro, a book of Alternative Movie Lists, edited by Richard T. Kelly with illustrations by Andrew Rae.